Wednesday, February 2, 2011

My Dark Place.

So my dark place has red wine and me not folding laundry.  I power bake, which means I try to mix a batch of muffins up before the oven heats up to 350F.  I avoid what is really bothering me by making up drama.  I'm in a dark place tonight.  I have been almost all day.  It shouldn't be like this, I know!  My elevator is dismal (somewhere around the 20s).  The snow put me off today (ok well now the blame game begins).  I'm upset because... well I'm not really sure I should get into this... But I'm upset because I take things personal.  I always have, and I hope I don't, but I'm sure I always will.  I think I have always taken things personal.  When I was a kid I thought that unless I got a big present people didn't "like or love" me enough.  When I was in high school, if I didn't have sex I thought I wasn't good enough.  Now, when people don't show up to play dates, I take it personal.  I feel like my kid isn't good enough.  Which is a reflection on me.  So what's wrong with me?  I am beating myself up today.  It's a dark day today.  But at least I had red wine and some sugar free muffins AND not the chocolate cake that I actually wanted.  I guess it's about small victories right?


  1. I think it is completely healthy to take things personally. Many people are so far removed from their emotions that they could never even dream about taking things personally, and many people purposely convince themselves they don't care so they can't get hurt.

    What you are doing is one step in the right direction, a direction I have a hard time taking. Take things personally. But when you do, after looking at it 'personally', turn the table around and try and look at it objectively. Be a little more rational. Be a little more logical.

    Emotions are wonderful at getting us thinking about things, but if we let our emotions take control, it's often more detrimental than anything.

    I usually let my emotions kick off the thought process, but then I try and externalize and rationalize my thoughts and the situation. This way I'm not being stone cold and disregarding my feelings, and I can be calm and composed about the situation.

    Of all the situations you list above in your 'i wasn't liked/loved enough', there isn't a single one that we can't find a logical reason for them. But sometimes, just sometimes, we find we're emotional over something because indeed we need to change...the goal when balancing emotions and rational thought is not ignoring those signs.

  2. Hey Natalie, I'm sorry we couldn't come and celebrate your son's third birthday. The weather was really against your party this time around. Our street didn't get plowed until 3 p.m. and I would have gotten so much shit from my husband if I risked getting stuck. You are both wonderful people and this was not personal. Lots of hugs, Cara

  3. Thank-you Andre. I would have mentioned it in a different way, yet I gain an appreciation that someone else has insight to gauge this particular situation in a more delicate manner then I could.

    It is nice to hear it from someone else and even though we have never met, by reading your form of script, I am comforted enough to have made a personal relationship with yourself.

    Je me souviens.

  4. You are totally allowed to be upset once in a while. And totally allowed to have chocolate cake!

    BTW: I love you and your children.