Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Day 7: My Truth to You

Part of being stubborn, and a Taurus, too boot, makes me also very stupid!  I push myself physically so hard, some would say stupid hard!  This morning I did a workout, one hour full body core and strengthening (with a side of cardiovascular fitness - strictly as a morning bonus)   Then went back to the gym this evening for more!  This time combat class, I don't often say owww, and part of the stubborn nature in me thinks it's wussy to admit pain, especially self inflicted pain.  However in light of my recent withdrawal symptoms, I am saying it.  Ouch!  Jeeze, I'm hurting.

I am going to give myself permission to admit a few things!  Every night I think about the day, reflect and then tell you what I've done or what the kids were up too, or even tell you some of what I eaten or cooked.  But that's not really the whole truth, remember a while ago when I first started this blog, the purpose was to be happier and I had a lot on my mind.  The inner demon monologue.  Well it has been pretty quiet lately and I can attribute it to a few things:

1- I have been eating even more clean than before, and beefing it up with extra supplements such as Vital Green, liquid iron (I am deficient), calcium and Vit D, pre-natal multivitamin as well as hemp hearts, chia seeds and flax (I just bought a container of bee pollen so I'll be adding that into the mix also)

2-I have been able to push myself even more hard when I go to the gym, and I feel a sense of accomplishment when I susceed at what ever goal I've attained (ie, doing all the pushups on my toes, increasing the weight for every exercise or decrease the "help" for pull-ups and my favorite: feeling at some point in the workout that I would like to puke!)

3-I am becoming more attuned to my spiritual needs (I'm a part of a tuesday night small group discussion at my church) and I'm really taping into yoga as a source of a spiritual multivitamin - per se. 

4- Medication that my doctor prescribed for me for anxiety and joint pain over a year ago

So yes, I have been on an antidepressant (Cymbalta) the whole time I was writing out this blog, some of you may have known already, but for many this is new information.   I'm telling you this now for a couple of reasons, sure the blog is about me being honest about finding happiness, but I've noticed that since I've introduced the massive amounts of health and fitness into my life, things have been quiet (demon monologue-wise).  Because of that quiet of mind, and other health reasons, I've decided to ween myself off the meds.  Actually I basically used my brute strength, stubbornness and stupidity to get here today.  As of this morning I am 4 days med free!  So as much as I want to blame caffeine as the sole reason for my overreactions, that isn't the truth.  I knew that Mark would be around for the March break and so I would have him to lean on when I needed the extra support (which has been nearly constant)!  This week I am almost doubling my workouts and increasing my healthy food consumption, including totally cutting out gluten as well as praying sincerely for help and guidance.

I am giving myself permission to feel!  And some feelings are a tough thing to cope with, they hurt, they are overwhelming, they are personal and intimate.  I'm not saying that I couldn't feel, but now it's like taking a cold drink of water on a hot day!  I appreciate it more now, I feel in a very big way now!

What I'm telling you is that the demon monologue has reared it's nasty head and is causing me quit a bit of grief but I'm doing everything I can think of to beat it.  Mind/Body/Spirit need to be in balance in order to achieve happiness (among other things, but this is a simple idea).  I am over taking care of my body because that's the easiest one for me, the spirit is coming in second with some extra nurturing and I am doing my best to nudge some inner piece and calm from my mind.

So I will eventually get into what the cymbalta was helping me with and why it had it's place in my life, but from now on I'm going to move forward.

Think happy + do happy = be happy!

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