First let me say that I love my kids. More than anything else in this world, but of course I need a break from them every now and then. So after dropping my extremely overtired cranky daughter off at school I went to my friends house to drink my coffee and chatt while we were waiting for Ikea to open. I find myself thinking about something she said to me, "you've made this happy thing of yours very complicated". "Ok" I said "but that's because it is complicated, it's easy to fake it, but what I want is bigger than superficial happiness." We continued chatting along these lines for a while and then she suggested that I begin to list all the things that do make me happy.
Which when you first think about it makes complete sense, but then when I started to think about it more and more. I realized I would like to be in a situation where my perception of my world is mostly chock full of happy things. It's not that I only want external things to make me happy, it's that ultimately I want to be happy internally and perceive my situation and things that happen as awesome. Of course identifying external things that make me happy is a start and identifying those things makes sense as a stepping stone, to get used to understanding my own happy feelings; but it's just the beginning. I think internal happiness would mean a positive monologue in my head with far less drama and very little worries. I should also mention that I've been pestering my friends with this quest of mine and they are being really awesome (kudo's my friends, you know who you are :) Another point that that a friend brought up is that you don't need to worry about important stuff like finances, just think about them logically and proceed to the next item on the list.
So getting back to the bell kick. We made it to Ikea, and signed our boys up for the play room. Now I am not a dishonest person in the least, but I wasn't about to volunteer that fact that Luke has never been in the play room because he was always too short. And I sure as hell wasn't going to put him up against the ruler, just in case he was still to short, so I just signed him up and HE GOT IN!!!!!! Now I'm not sure I can explain the pure joy this brought me. And him too. (the last time we tried to get him in, he couldn't but all his friends did, poor guy cried with such anguish I was almost in tears).... That aside, Jen and I took our babies upstairs and actually walked around the store wheeling the babes in strollers (side note they aren't really babies but they are to us). I had to stop and grin like a kid in a candy store. I had the whole store in front of me, no chasing kids, no dealing with temper tantrums,and looking at the stuff that I actually wanted to look at... (oohhh it sounds so selfish doesn't it)...but it was pure joy and before I knew it I was prancing happily behind the stroller and did a bell kick. HAPPINESS is when you can dance in public my friends!!!!
Friday, January 7, 2011
Wearing different coloured socks...
Socks... I love how they keep my toes warm. But who notices socks anymore? Sure I look at them sometimes when I'm at the indoor playground because no one is wearing shoes. And heaven forbid we wear socks and sandels. (ok I do everyday, but in my home) So why the stigma attached to mismatched socks. Do we feel that society is judging us...:wow lady what's wrong with you, why don't you have socks that match, you must be disorganized, don't you do laundry, you must be missing some of your faculties right???
They are just socks people. Not the gateway into my soul! Did you even know they sell mismatched socks at Chapters? For kids mind you. So why is it ok for the kids to do it but not us respectable mom's? and I realize that is a rhetorical question. But the point is WHO CARES!!! one pair of mismatched socks at a time I am slowly going to stop caring what the "society standards" tell me to conform to. So here is a picture of my socks!
And yes, I wore them out... in public. And do you know what happened??? of course you do. Nada. We live a world of people that wouldn't say anything to anyone even if it was something actually wrong. Have you ever seen that tv show (What Would You Do?) with actors pretending to do nasty things in public to an unsuspecting audience. How long or ridiculous does the event have to be before a few timid people speak up. Now that is the issue I have. We do things because...what... we are afraid of what people will say, we can't actually hear their thoughts - so who cares about that-, I suppose we could get upset about the looks we might get and the drama we create in our head about that look. So here we are again, back to the drama, most of it make believe, created by us for us! Or in this case, this was the drama that was ever present in the monologue of my head. I really need to find a way to shut it up. I've managed to quiet it down but I'll talk about that later. Thanks to an awesome friend (you rock Jen) I was able to start wearing mismatched socks about 6 months ago. But the whole point of this is that, drama that I create in my head is obviously taking away from my happiness. So if anyone has any other suggestions of things I can "LET GO OF" please post.
PS. I was able to quiet the voice down in hot yoga because I was specifically told to and for some reason when I have sweat poring down and I'm in muscle ripping pain I tend to listened to the person in charge of the situation. Do I have to go to such extremes to get some peace and quiet from my brain? Basically it's because my body is yelling louder than my head. I'm leaning towards a solution that isn't so intense to get some quiet.
They are just socks people. Not the gateway into my soul! Did you even know they sell mismatched socks at Chapters? For kids mind you. So why is it ok for the kids to do it but not us respectable mom's? and I realize that is a rhetorical question. But the point is WHO CARES!!! one pair of mismatched socks at a time I am slowly going to stop caring what the "society standards" tell me to conform to. So here is a picture of my socks!
PS. I was able to quiet the voice down in hot yoga because I was specifically told to and for some reason when I have sweat poring down and I'm in muscle ripping pain I tend to listened to the person in charge of the situation. Do I have to go to such extremes to get some peace and quiet from my brain? Basically it's because my body is yelling louder than my head. I'm leaning towards a solution that isn't so intense to get some quiet.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Scattered thoughts about step1.
Ok so the things that occupy my mind's monologue (because I obviously am not challenged enough for other stuff to occupy my mind) are worry, drama and ??current moments?? (could be happy thoughts, or just thoughts like wow that's allot of yogourt on the couch, I wonder if I should put a pinch of chilli powder in this... that kind of stuff).
You know that relaxation part of the yoga practise at the end, just lie still and don't think about anything. It's IMPOSSIBLE!!!! basically if I'm not thinking I've fallen asleep. Speaking of yoga, from what I understand: the amount of pain you feel in your hips during hip openers equals the amount of drama in your life. So let me paint this out for you, I've been in labour with less pain that this. And hip openers are my own choice, so I am choosing to walk in the door and push myself to a limit that is totally stupid. While in this pose I think, "must go farther, don't think about the pain, tell it to shut up, breath one breath at a time ... The torture will eventually let up... right!" and then we do the other leg... no end to the torture. But yet I keep going back??? What the heck is that, am I a subconscious masochist. I keep thinking I guess that eventually I'll win the battle and I'll be able to do swan without juicy feelings. (aka. pain ) Ha oh and I forgot to mention that I did this yoga class after a 1 hour spin class. I'm not looking for pity here, just painting the picture accurately.
So all that to get to the point that, I also have drama to deal with. Not worries, but different in a way and similar in others. For example some drama can be exciting or daring and there is no worry about it; but if left unchecked could eventually lead to a worry. So how does feelings of happiness play into this? Honestly I'm not sure yet. Should I care more or less about drama than worries. Is drama just another crap that I don't need. But what if I seek out fun drama to mask or avoid dealing with really stressful and very negative worry. Therefore this fun drama is a source of happiness. Good grief this is getting to complicated. Anyone know of a good self help book for me. Great first step, I'm stuck already.
Ok the point of step one was to live in the moment. I'm assuming creating fun drama is not actually in the moment and so then... I should just chuck out all drama???? really??? humm ok and so being happy is a tough process. Anyone have any other suggestions for steps to help me on this journey?
You know that relaxation part of the yoga practise at the end, just lie still and don't think about anything. It's IMPOSSIBLE!!!! basically if I'm not thinking I've fallen asleep. Speaking of yoga, from what I understand: the amount of pain you feel in your hips during hip openers equals the amount of drama in your life. So let me paint this out for you, I've been in labour with less pain that this. And hip openers are my own choice, so I am choosing to walk in the door and push myself to a limit that is totally stupid. While in this pose I think, "must go farther, don't think about the pain, tell it to shut up, breath one breath at a time ... The torture will eventually let up... right!" and then we do the other leg... no end to the torture. But yet I keep going back??? What the heck is that, am I a subconscious masochist. I keep thinking I guess that eventually I'll win the battle and I'll be able to do swan without juicy feelings. (aka. pain ) Ha oh and I forgot to mention that I did this yoga class after a 1 hour spin class. I'm not looking for pity here, just painting the picture accurately.
So all that to get to the point that, I also have drama to deal with. Not worries, but different in a way and similar in others. For example some drama can be exciting or daring and there is no worry about it; but if left unchecked could eventually lead to a worry. So how does feelings of happiness play into this? Honestly I'm not sure yet. Should I care more or less about drama than worries. Is drama just another crap that I don't need. But what if I seek out fun drama to mask or avoid dealing with really stressful and very negative worry. Therefore this fun drama is a source of happiness. Good grief this is getting to complicated. Anyone know of a good self help book for me. Great first step, I'm stuck already.
Ok the point of step one was to live in the moment. I'm assuming creating fun drama is not actually in the moment and so then... I should just chuck out all drama???? really??? humm ok and so being happy is a tough process. Anyone have any other suggestions for steps to help me on this journey?
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